They say it takes a village to raise a child. We seem to live outside that village. Far, far outside the village - like up in the mountains, or at a remote location somewhere! For those who live with autism everyday, you get what I'm saying. For those who don't, it's hard to explain. Our children's autism often keeps us living on the outskirts of "the village" or mainstream society most of the time.
We still have to travel into "the village" and get supplies, run errands, and go to various meetings and other appointments just like all the other villagers. Those trips can turn into an epic saga! Now that Malachi is getting a little older, it's getting easier. Ongoing therapy, and years of taking him out to public places so he can practice being out in public are starting to pay off. We still have tense moments in public - but it's getting a little easier.
I'm determined to help my son become a social person, capable of appropriately interacting with people in the mainstream of society. I purposely plan outings so he can learn and practice how to do that - and ignore the stares and comments of strangers and onlookers. My kid has to go somewhere to practice! I refuse to stay confined to a remote location on the outskirts of the village. What is life going to be like for him when he grows up if we just stay in the comfort zone of home all the time around everything that's comfortable and familiar? I've committed myself to the extra miles I have to travel each day on what's been called a journey. It is a journey, and some days you just never know where you're going to wind up! The other day I took him to a local thrift store with the idea of letting him shop around and get a feel for what it's like to make purchases. He's learned the money system, and has a pretty good grasp of how to read prices. I want him to appreciate the value of a dollar and be able to go into a store and spend wisely, so we talk about how much things cost and how he can get the most for his money.
The owner of the thrift store was watching and listening. I can only imagine how I sounded asking Malachi over and over questions like, "They're asking a lot of money for that...do you think it's worth what they're asking?" Or I'd say, "You can buy that brand new for almost that price. Would you rather just spend a little more and buy it new in better condition?" Or, "Are you sure you have enough money to buy that?" Or, "You can't afford that honey." You get the idea.
I thought I was doing a great thing. Could we have afforded the items? Well, yes. But the idea was to give him a certain amount of money so that he could practice shopping and learn how to spend within that amount. The owner of the store came over and struck up a conversation with us. A rare thing happened. He really opened up to her and answered her questions quite pleasantly. (Sometimes he can be a little grumpy with people who ask him too many questions)! Questions like, "What's your name? Did you know your name is the same as one of the books of the Bible? What grade are you in?" He patiently answered all her questions, and even asked her a few of his own!
Without warning, (or asking) she led him over to the toy area and handed him a bag telling him he could pick out some toys. I was so proud of him, he asked, "How much do I have to pay you for them?" To my chagrin though she said, "Oh you can just have them!" Sigh. There went all my efforts with the exercise in thrifty spending I had planned out for us! He was yelling very excitedly for everyone in the store to hear, "MOMMY! She said I could HAVE these toys! I CAN JUST KEEP THEM WITHOUT PAYING!"
I abandoned my efforts at the lesson. In a last desperate attempt to help him connect getting things to doing something to earn them I said, "Well honey, you've really been a super shopper today. You've made lots of good choices in here, so I don't mind if you accept these as a reward." The storekeeper gave me the oddest look. She just really had no clue. Her heart was in the right place, I greatly appreciated her kindness toward us - especially toward Malachi. After hearing me talk to him about what we couldn't afford so many times - she probably felt moved to give us something! Malachi thanked her and made excited comments all the way out the door that had everyone standing there looking at him, giving each other these knowing looks - and chuckling amongst themselves.
I felt a little down as we loaded up and pulled out of the parking lot. Maybe I shouldn't have expected so much out of this shopping lesson for him. No harm done right? He got some free stuff, people seemed to feel compassion for him, thought he was adorable and cute. But now that he's bigger and older, his comments about things kind of make him stick out and seem odd for a nine year old. It's not quite as cute and adorable as it used to be when he was four or five. I don't want him to "stick out", I want him to blend in. I had just been undermined as a parent in a nice way! They had given him those things because they felt sorry for us - without asking me first if it was alright. I could see in their eyes that they knew he was different.
We need the "villagers" to work with us as we work with our kids. I think though, that we need to work with some of the villagers first and explain some things to them. We need more kind-hearted folks like the owner of this store. She engaged my son in a meaningful conversation that really surprised me. I plan to take him back, but first I think I'll pop in and chat with the owner and just let her know a little bit more about Malachi. She could be a great ally in helping me teach my son important life skills. Maybe she will then talk to her friends, and her friends will talk to their friends...and who knows, eventually maybe the village child raising effort will be just a little more unified!
We still have to travel into "the village" and get supplies, run errands, and go to various meetings and other appointments just like all the other villagers. Those trips can turn into an epic saga! Now that Malachi is getting a little older, it's getting easier. Ongoing therapy, and years of taking him out to public places so he can practice being out in public are starting to pay off. We still have tense moments in public - but it's getting a little easier.
I'm determined to help my son become a social person, capable of appropriately interacting with people in the mainstream of society. I purposely plan outings so he can learn and practice how to do that - and ignore the stares and comments of strangers and onlookers. My kid has to go somewhere to practice! I refuse to stay confined to a remote location on the outskirts of the village. What is life going to be like for him when he grows up if we just stay in the comfort zone of home all the time around everything that's comfortable and familiar? I've committed myself to the extra miles I have to travel each day on what's been called a journey. It is a journey, and some days you just never know where you're going to wind up! The other day I took him to a local thrift store with the idea of letting him shop around and get a feel for what it's like to make purchases. He's learned the money system, and has a pretty good grasp of how to read prices. I want him to appreciate the value of a dollar and be able to go into a store and spend wisely, so we talk about how much things cost and how he can get the most for his money.
The owner of the thrift store was watching and listening. I can only imagine how I sounded asking Malachi over and over questions like, "They're asking a lot of money for that...do you think it's worth what they're asking?" Or I'd say, "You can buy that brand new for almost that price. Would you rather just spend a little more and buy it new in better condition?" Or, "Are you sure you have enough money to buy that?" Or, "You can't afford that honey." You get the idea.
I thought I was doing a great thing. Could we have afforded the items? Well, yes. But the idea was to give him a certain amount of money so that he could practice shopping and learn how to spend within that amount. The owner of the store came over and struck up a conversation with us. A rare thing happened. He really opened up to her and answered her questions quite pleasantly. (Sometimes he can be a little grumpy with people who ask him too many questions)! Questions like, "What's your name? Did you know your name is the same as one of the books of the Bible? What grade are you in?" He patiently answered all her questions, and even asked her a few of his own!
Without warning, (or asking) she led him over to the toy area and handed him a bag telling him he could pick out some toys. I was so proud of him, he asked, "How much do I have to pay you for them?" To my chagrin though she said, "Oh you can just have them!" Sigh. There went all my efforts with the exercise in thrifty spending I had planned out for us! He was yelling very excitedly for everyone in the store to hear, "MOMMY! She said I could HAVE these toys! I CAN JUST KEEP THEM WITHOUT PAYING!"
I abandoned my efforts at the lesson. In a last desperate attempt to help him connect getting things to doing something to earn them I said, "Well honey, you've really been a super shopper today. You've made lots of good choices in here, so I don't mind if you accept these as a reward." The storekeeper gave me the oddest look. She just really had no clue. Her heart was in the right place, I greatly appreciated her kindness toward us - especially toward Malachi. After hearing me talk to him about what we couldn't afford so many times - she probably felt moved to give us something! Malachi thanked her and made excited comments all the way out the door that had everyone standing there looking at him, giving each other these knowing looks - and chuckling amongst themselves.
I felt a little down as we loaded up and pulled out of the parking lot. Maybe I shouldn't have expected so much out of this shopping lesson for him. No harm done right? He got some free stuff, people seemed to feel compassion for him, thought he was adorable and cute. But now that he's bigger and older, his comments about things kind of make him stick out and seem odd for a nine year old. It's not quite as cute and adorable as it used to be when he was four or five. I don't want him to "stick out", I want him to blend in. I had just been undermined as a parent in a nice way! They had given him those things because they felt sorry for us - without asking me first if it was alright. I could see in their eyes that they knew he was different.
We need the "villagers" to work with us as we work with our kids. I think though, that we need to work with some of the villagers first and explain some things to them. We need more kind-hearted folks like the owner of this store. She engaged my son in a meaningful conversation that really surprised me. I plan to take him back, but first I think I'll pop in and chat with the owner and just let her know a little bit more about Malachi. She could be a great ally in helping me teach my son important life skills. Maybe she will then talk to her friends, and her friends will talk to their friends...and who knows, eventually maybe the village child raising effort will be just a little more unified!
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